PARENT QUESTION: I have a 9 year old daughter who I try to encourage but is afraid of failure. How can I help her?
ANSWER: First of all, I can definitely say that I wish I knew more about her! Is this fear in all areas? Does she do well in school but not want to try outside activities? Is she clingy overall? Does she have friends? All of those questions would give me a better picture and be able to give you an answer that is more geared toward specifically helping her! But I will give you a general answer and if you need more specifics, please either post here or go to the “Ask Confidential Questions” and send me more information.
I’d say that I strongly believe that there is really no such thing as failing but an opportunity to learn and improve. Maybe it’s something a person tries and doesn’t really enjoy. Well, then that’s what’s learned! You don’t have to improve at everything and don’t have to do well at everything either. There is just fun in trying new things! If as a parent you are showing that it’s fun to try things, then your daughter will see that too. If you are hesitant and don’t like to take many “chances” then she may adapt that attitude also.
Here are a few tips:
1. Make this the motto of your home: If you tried something and you learned something from it (it may even be that you don’t like it) then you didn’t fail. Does your child see you try? If you can’t do something are you looking annoyed and frustrated or are you persistent and trying your best? Are you showing a “happy” attitude when you try something or are you looking worried?
2. The only way to fail is to not try. They don’t have to be the best but just try their best. Do you look “let down” if your child can’t do something? If so, where is the motivation for a child when a parent looks disappointed? Focus on the fun of something new.
3. Tell your child some of your childhood stories and share some of your experiences. Talk to her about things that you tried and worked at and what you love about it. Tell her the times when you tried and either didn’t do well or just found that you didn’t like it. Tell her what you did to overcome some of the feelings when you didn’t feel good about yourself. Let her know that it’s OK to feel badly but then to stop and look at what she learned. Try to bring fun and laughter into trying. Being silly at times can really help a child and lighten a mood. Sharing your stories will take the pressure off of her and let her know that you felt the same way. That lets her know that her feelings are OK! Kids think that their parents are amazing and can do anything. Let her see that it’s “human” to feel the way she does but just trying new things can be so much fun!
4. Don’t live through your child! Kids usually know what parents “favor” and what they would like them to be involved in. Maybe your child would like the same things, but maybe they won’t! If they think that they have to love the things that you do and be even better than you were, that’s one hard goal to achieve and it puts too much pressure on them!
5. Keep the spirit light and have fun! You can start with small things and build up from there. Make activities fun! Don’t give her clingy behavior (if that’s the case) much attention. Don’t keep reassuring her because sometimes that just gives it all more attention than it needs! You can be there physically if needed but just don’t go overboard with the “You can do it!” Say more things about just trying and having fun!
There is a wonderful Disney movie called, "Meet the Robinsons". This is a movie with a wonderful message about trying and succeeding. When you “fail” you lean something and often discover something new. There is even one scene in the movie where the family is at the dinner table and they are talking about the “failures” of the day and what they learned from each situation.
Incorporate “lessons” that you’ve learned into your daily discussions. Do it casually, not pointing it out to her so that she always feels it’s about her in this way! The more confident that you look about new things being fun, they more she will adapt your attitude. Small steps!
ANSWER: First of all, I can definitely say that I wish I knew more about her! Is this fear in all areas? Does she do well in school but not want to try outside activities? Is she clingy overall? Does she have friends? All of those questions would give me a better picture and be able to give you an answer that is more geared toward specifically helping her! But I will give you a general answer and if you need more specifics, please either post here or go to the “Ask Confidential Questions” and send me more information.
I’d say that I strongly believe that there is really no such thing as failing but an opportunity to learn and improve. Maybe it’s something a person tries and doesn’t really enjoy. Well, then that’s what’s learned! You don’t have to improve at everything and don’t have to do well at everything either. There is just fun in trying new things! If as a parent you are showing that it’s fun to try things, then your daughter will see that too. If you are hesitant and don’t like to take many “chances” then she may adapt that attitude also.
Here are a few tips:
1. Make this the motto of your home: If you tried something and you learned something from it (it may even be that you don’t like it) then you didn’t fail. Does your child see you try? If you can’t do something are you looking annoyed and frustrated or are you persistent and trying your best? Are you showing a “happy” attitude when you try something or are you looking worried?
2. The only way to fail is to not try. They don’t have to be the best but just try their best. Do you look “let down” if your child can’t do something? If so, where is the motivation for a child when a parent looks disappointed? Focus on the fun of something new.
3. Tell your child some of your childhood stories and share some of your experiences. Talk to her about things that you tried and worked at and what you love about it. Tell her the times when you tried and either didn’t do well or just found that you didn’t like it. Tell her what you did to overcome some of the feelings when you didn’t feel good about yourself. Let her know that it’s OK to feel badly but then to stop and look at what she learned. Try to bring fun and laughter into trying. Being silly at times can really help a child and lighten a mood. Sharing your stories will take the pressure off of her and let her know that you felt the same way. That lets her know that her feelings are OK! Kids think that their parents are amazing and can do anything. Let her see that it’s “human” to feel the way she does but just trying new things can be so much fun!
4. Don’t live through your child! Kids usually know what parents “favor” and what they would like them to be involved in. Maybe your child would like the same things, but maybe they won’t! If they think that they have to love the things that you do and be even better than you were, that’s one hard goal to achieve and it puts too much pressure on them!
5. Keep the spirit light and have fun! You can start with small things and build up from there. Make activities fun! Don’t give her clingy behavior (if that’s the case) much attention. Don’t keep reassuring her because sometimes that just gives it all more attention than it needs! You can be there physically if needed but just don’t go overboard with the “You can do it!” Say more things about just trying and having fun!
There is a wonderful Disney movie called, "Meet the Robinsons". This is a movie with a wonderful message about trying and succeeding. When you “fail” you lean something and often discover something new. There is even one scene in the movie where the family is at the dinner table and they are talking about the “failures” of the day and what they learned from each situation.
Incorporate “lessons” that you’ve learned into your daily discussions. Do it casually, not pointing it out to her so that she always feels it’s about her in this way! The more confident that you look about new things being fun, they more she will adapt your attitude. Small steps!