PARENT QUESTION: I have 8 year old twins. One of them completely regresses when he has to correct homework errors or when he has trouble reading. The teacher tells me that he doesn’t seem to have any learning disabilities but he gets so upset and is a baby again. I know that the 4-5 hours of homework is a lot for a third grader but other than that I worry that something may be wrong with him (because he was a micropremie) even though I’ve been told he is fine. Has anyone experienced anything like this and maybe has some suggestions?
ANSWER: Since I’ve never seen him or observed his behavior this is a little hard to answer. If he’s getting his school work (in class) completed and the teacher isn’t seeing any learning issue that’s a good sign. From what you’re saying it doesn’t sound like he has any difficulty in school itself. Has he ever shown any other signs of having difficulty learning? Do you feel that he’s behind in his learning or is he pretty much at the right level for his age? Does he behave the same way if his dad is helping with the homework? I know that he has a twin and it’s not good to compare the kids, but it is human nature to do that! If you have real concerns about his learning and he’s having difficulty in school, you may want to have some educational testing done. It may have to be done privately because I doubt if the school would do it without a teacher referral (and she doesn’t see a problem). But check with your school system just to check. Having the testing done may relieve your mind one way or another.
The amount of homework for his age is ridiculous! Is it a “real” 4-5 hours or is that what he’s extending it to with his behavior? If this is a behavioral issue and nothing to do with learning you may want to tackle the problem differently. Since the teacher isn’t seeing anything, why don’t you try some of the behavioral suggestions that I’m going to give you to see if that changes anything? If not, get him tested!
Is his behavior over doing the homework or just when errors are corrected or he’s reading? If it’s only over correction, I’d go lightly on that with your tone of voice or showing any frustrations yourself (if you do). Some kids are very hard on themselves when they’re corrected because they feel that they are “bad” or “stupid”, etc. If this seems to be him, I would be making mistakes around him in some ways and then just shrugging your shoulders about it like it’s not that important. You may say things like “everyone makes mistakes” but if your behavior shows impatience or frustration your words and actions aren’t the same. Kids pick that up and can really get down on themselves for not being “perfect” (especially if there is a sibling that learns more quickly). I’ve seen many children who are gifted be pretty hard on themselves, so you never know if that’s an issue for him.
With any siblings there is usually one (doesn’t have to be twins, just siblings!) that will get dramatic and will whine and cry to get more attention. Sometimes it’s just the competition of getting your attention. Often one child just learns more quickly or is more focused and gets homework completed without a problem.
Here are some suggestions:
Some siblings can sit at opposite ends of a dining room table and do their homework with no problem, but this is pretty rare! It is not always best to have siblings together because there are more distractions and chances for negative interactions between them. Two of the biggest problems that can occur are:
1. One child “puts down” the other child’s school work.
2. You may have one child who is more advanced in their learning sitting with the other who is having difficulty with their work. Even though one child may not say anything about this, your other child is quite aware! This can definitely make your one child feel more insecure and frustrated.
Parents have to judge when it's best to provide separate study areas or times, if needed.
If separate study areas are impossible for you and they are having problems working together, try a marble jar system at homework time only.
1. Provide one jar for each child.
2. Put 10 marbles in each jar.
3. One marble is lost each time the child:
a. Intentionally tries to distract the other
b. Teases (i.e. “You do baby work.”)
4. Whoever has the most marbles at the end of homework time will receive the “reward”. Try to pick something both children like so you can just have one reward. For example, if they like computers, the one with the most marbles earns 15 minutes of extra computer time. If they end up with the same amount at the end, they both earn 15 extra minutes of computer time (or whatever you decide a good reward is).
The marble jar system usually isn’t something that you always use. Eventually, the children will learn to work together with fewer problems. If your problems are more severe, you may want to have one child who works more quickly theirs done first.
***It is important not to compare siblings. If one sibling is fooling around instead of doing homework, don't say, "Look at your brother, he's doing his homework. ...
MAKE HOMEWORK TIME QUIET TIME FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!
Yes, this does sound idealistic! But think of the benefits for everyone. You probably already have morning routines and bedtime routines for your family. Well, you can begin a quiet time too. As a family, consider designating a block of time as quiet time. If you have the homework time period a quiet time period, it can be helpful for the whole family. Of course much of the flow of the household will continue, but what if you used the time to answer your emails, read a book, do your online banking, text your friends, etc.? Siblings that are either too young or have already finished their homework can then go to these activities: quiet TV with headphones, computer, reading, playing quietly in their room or playroom if it’s distant enough from the child doing homework, etc.
During this time period, please don’t talk on the phone! It’s loud and distracting! Let your calls go to voice mail and adhere by the new quiet time rules too! As your children see you doing this, they will all get in the quiet mode along with you. You can take it one step further and request “whispering only” during your designated quiet time. Here is an idealistic solution. When your child sees you whispering, they usually will whisper back to you. Do this quiet time with a smile. Make it a special time and fun in its own way! Quick reinforcement changes behavior! This new quiet time isn’t going to happen overnight, but it’s a wonderful goal to aim for! Just the thought of quiet time sounds good, doesn’t it? There are many things that you can do to teach siblings to be respectful of each other.
Let your son who is whining and reverting to being a baby know that you have new rules. Let him know that you will not be answering him when he whines or cries. Let him know that you will help him when he speaks in a “regular voice”. If there is not a learning problem, then my feeling is that he’s doing this for attention and control. He’s keeping it “all about him” for 4-5 hours a night!
If you have a night or two where he doesn’t get his homework completed because it’s gotten too late and he’s spent the evening crying and whining, then let him accept the consequences in school (by his teacher) for not doing his homework. Let his teacher know what you’re going through and what you’re doing so she is aware. Often when kids have to face the teacher without their homework and know that you’ve set limits on helping without whining then they often pull it together pretty quickly. Right now he has a technique and it’s working for him! If you sit down to help him when he’s not whining or crying and he starts, just stand up and walk away. Tell him to take a deep breath and when he’s ready to do his work without crying you’ll be back. Stick to this or he’ll just build up the crying again! The more that he sees that you mean what you say, the quicker the change will be.
I’d also let him know that if he finishes at a certain time, you’ll have time to play a couple of games of UNO with him (or whatever he may like). If he’s gone over the amount of time that you feel is appropriate, then play the game with his sibling. Yes, he’s get pretty made and may cry more, but a couple of nights of this may make him realize you mean business! If this is a behavior problem and not a learning problem, then this should change the behavior. If it continues and you still feel concerned, I’d go ahead with the educational testing.
ANSWER: Since I’ve never seen him or observed his behavior this is a little hard to answer. If he’s getting his school work (in class) completed and the teacher isn’t seeing any learning issue that’s a good sign. From what you’re saying it doesn’t sound like he has any difficulty in school itself. Has he ever shown any other signs of having difficulty learning? Do you feel that he’s behind in his learning or is he pretty much at the right level for his age? Does he behave the same way if his dad is helping with the homework? I know that he has a twin and it’s not good to compare the kids, but it is human nature to do that! If you have real concerns about his learning and he’s having difficulty in school, you may want to have some educational testing done. It may have to be done privately because I doubt if the school would do it without a teacher referral (and she doesn’t see a problem). But check with your school system just to check. Having the testing done may relieve your mind one way or another.
The amount of homework for his age is ridiculous! Is it a “real” 4-5 hours or is that what he’s extending it to with his behavior? If this is a behavioral issue and nothing to do with learning you may want to tackle the problem differently. Since the teacher isn’t seeing anything, why don’t you try some of the behavioral suggestions that I’m going to give you to see if that changes anything? If not, get him tested!
Is his behavior over doing the homework or just when errors are corrected or he’s reading? If it’s only over correction, I’d go lightly on that with your tone of voice or showing any frustrations yourself (if you do). Some kids are very hard on themselves when they’re corrected because they feel that they are “bad” or “stupid”, etc. If this seems to be him, I would be making mistakes around him in some ways and then just shrugging your shoulders about it like it’s not that important. You may say things like “everyone makes mistakes” but if your behavior shows impatience or frustration your words and actions aren’t the same. Kids pick that up and can really get down on themselves for not being “perfect” (especially if there is a sibling that learns more quickly). I’ve seen many children who are gifted be pretty hard on themselves, so you never know if that’s an issue for him.
With any siblings there is usually one (doesn’t have to be twins, just siblings!) that will get dramatic and will whine and cry to get more attention. Sometimes it’s just the competition of getting your attention. Often one child just learns more quickly or is more focused and gets homework completed without a problem.
Here are some suggestions:
Some siblings can sit at opposite ends of a dining room table and do their homework with no problem, but this is pretty rare! It is not always best to have siblings together because there are more distractions and chances for negative interactions between them. Two of the biggest problems that can occur are:
1. One child “puts down” the other child’s school work.
2. You may have one child who is more advanced in their learning sitting with the other who is having difficulty with their work. Even though one child may not say anything about this, your other child is quite aware! This can definitely make your one child feel more insecure and frustrated.
Parents have to judge when it's best to provide separate study areas or times, if needed.
If separate study areas are impossible for you and they are having problems working together, try a marble jar system at homework time only.
1. Provide one jar for each child.
2. Put 10 marbles in each jar.
3. One marble is lost each time the child:
a. Intentionally tries to distract the other
b. Teases (i.e. “You do baby work.”)
4. Whoever has the most marbles at the end of homework time will receive the “reward”. Try to pick something both children like so you can just have one reward. For example, if they like computers, the one with the most marbles earns 15 minutes of extra computer time. If they end up with the same amount at the end, they both earn 15 extra minutes of computer time (or whatever you decide a good reward is).
The marble jar system usually isn’t something that you always use. Eventually, the children will learn to work together with fewer problems. If your problems are more severe, you may want to have one child who works more quickly theirs done first.
***It is important not to compare siblings. If one sibling is fooling around instead of doing homework, don't say, "Look at your brother, he's doing his homework. ...
MAKE HOMEWORK TIME QUIET TIME FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY!
Yes, this does sound idealistic! But think of the benefits for everyone. You probably already have morning routines and bedtime routines for your family. Well, you can begin a quiet time too. As a family, consider designating a block of time as quiet time. If you have the homework time period a quiet time period, it can be helpful for the whole family. Of course much of the flow of the household will continue, but what if you used the time to answer your emails, read a book, do your online banking, text your friends, etc.? Siblings that are either too young or have already finished their homework can then go to these activities: quiet TV with headphones, computer, reading, playing quietly in their room or playroom if it’s distant enough from the child doing homework, etc.
During this time period, please don’t talk on the phone! It’s loud and distracting! Let your calls go to voice mail and adhere by the new quiet time rules too! As your children see you doing this, they will all get in the quiet mode along with you. You can take it one step further and request “whispering only” during your designated quiet time. Here is an idealistic solution. When your child sees you whispering, they usually will whisper back to you. Do this quiet time with a smile. Make it a special time and fun in its own way! Quick reinforcement changes behavior! This new quiet time isn’t going to happen overnight, but it’s a wonderful goal to aim for! Just the thought of quiet time sounds good, doesn’t it? There are many things that you can do to teach siblings to be respectful of each other.
Let your son who is whining and reverting to being a baby know that you have new rules. Let him know that you will not be answering him when he whines or cries. Let him know that you will help him when he speaks in a “regular voice”. If there is not a learning problem, then my feeling is that he’s doing this for attention and control. He’s keeping it “all about him” for 4-5 hours a night!
If you have a night or two where he doesn’t get his homework completed because it’s gotten too late and he’s spent the evening crying and whining, then let him accept the consequences in school (by his teacher) for not doing his homework. Let his teacher know what you’re going through and what you’re doing so she is aware. Often when kids have to face the teacher without their homework and know that you’ve set limits on helping without whining then they often pull it together pretty quickly. Right now he has a technique and it’s working for him! If you sit down to help him when he’s not whining or crying and he starts, just stand up and walk away. Tell him to take a deep breath and when he’s ready to do his work without crying you’ll be back. Stick to this or he’ll just build up the crying again! The more that he sees that you mean what you say, the quicker the change will be.
I’d also let him know that if he finishes at a certain time, you’ll have time to play a couple of games of UNO with him (or whatever he may like). If he’s gone over the amount of time that you feel is appropriate, then play the game with his sibling. Yes, he’s get pretty made and may cry more, but a couple of nights of this may make him realize you mean business! If this is a behavior problem and not a learning problem, then this should change the behavior. If it continues and you still feel concerned, I’d go ahead with the educational testing.