www.helpmealison.com
PARENT QUESTION: I have a question about temper tantrums.
My 20 month old son has started having these when he's
frustrated and at times for no apparent reason. He hits himself in the face,
throws things, etc. I'm not sure where or if
he's seen this type of behavior. My 3 year old
doesn't have them and at no time has he ever
seen my husband or I get angry and throw
things. I'm just curious what your advice is for handling this. I usually make him sit down somewhere in a "time out" or sometimes just
try to ignore the behavior but it seems to be
getting more intense. I would love to hear
your comments. Thanks!
ANSWER:
At his age tantrums aren’t unusual at all. Often
they come from frustration of not being able to
do something. Sometimes the “something” is not being able to get a piece in a puzzle, for example.
If it’s something that is teachable then help him learn how to do it. But unfortunately most
tantrums are because they just can’t get their
way. It may be over something they want to eat, something they want to do, etc. Sometimes you have no idea at all what’s going on in their mind
so you see tantrums which look like there is no apparent reason! His “reason” could be as simple
as you giving your three year old attention and he doesn’t want you to do that at that particular moment!
The fact that he hits himself in the face could be because he gets overwhelmed and frustrated.
That’s usually how face hitting and head banging (not that he does) begin. It’s one huge tantrum
and it just happens! Well, what happens is that parents get so upset when a child hits himself or bangs his head that they give it lots of attention. Lots of talking about not hitting yourself, it hurts, etc. Kids are very smart and realize how this “works”. They are guaranteed some attention
for this behavior! So what sometimes begins as
a whine for something escalates very quickly to
the face slapping and throwing. Because the first time it happened it got so much attention it
becomes something that is “learned” because it works.
The best thing to do for tantrums is to totally
ignore them. It’s called active ignoring and it’s ignoring to the point where you have never met
him, can’t see him or hear him! That means no
eye contact and no talking from you also! He’s
not going to hurt his own face. Yes, he may slap
it hard but there will be a limit for that. He may make it red from the slap but once he sees that
no one is giving it any attention at all, the
behavior starts to decrease. When his technique
no longer works, he stops. You may feel that putting him in time out is negative and it will
work, but it still got him what he wanted and
that was attention! Part of the problem is that sometimes he gets time out and sometimes you ignore him. When parents are trying anything
that they can think of in the moment, the
behavior gets worse because your “correction”
isn’t consistent. So for tantrums, stick with the ignoring. When he is calm himself down, have
him pick up what he threw.
Remember no looking at him, no talking to
him when he’s having a tantrum. If you have
to walk away because you’re tempted to look
or talk, just walk into another room!
Once that behavior reduces and if he’s still
throwing, let me know and we’ll go to the
next step!
My 20 month old son has started having these when he's
frustrated and at times for no apparent reason. He hits himself in the face,
throws things, etc. I'm not sure where or if
he's seen this type of behavior. My 3 year old
doesn't have them and at no time has he ever
seen my husband or I get angry and throw
things. I'm just curious what your advice is for handling this. I usually make him sit down somewhere in a "time out" or sometimes just
try to ignore the behavior but it seems to be
getting more intense. I would love to hear
your comments. Thanks!
ANSWER:
At his age tantrums aren’t unusual at all. Often
they come from frustration of not being able to
do something. Sometimes the “something” is not being able to get a piece in a puzzle, for example.
If it’s something that is teachable then help him learn how to do it. But unfortunately most
tantrums are because they just can’t get their
way. It may be over something they want to eat, something they want to do, etc. Sometimes you have no idea at all what’s going on in their mind
so you see tantrums which look like there is no apparent reason! His “reason” could be as simple
as you giving your three year old attention and he doesn’t want you to do that at that particular moment!
The fact that he hits himself in the face could be because he gets overwhelmed and frustrated.
That’s usually how face hitting and head banging (not that he does) begin. It’s one huge tantrum
and it just happens! Well, what happens is that parents get so upset when a child hits himself or bangs his head that they give it lots of attention. Lots of talking about not hitting yourself, it hurts, etc. Kids are very smart and realize how this “works”. They are guaranteed some attention
for this behavior! So what sometimes begins as
a whine for something escalates very quickly to
the face slapping and throwing. Because the first time it happened it got so much attention it
becomes something that is “learned” because it works.
The best thing to do for tantrums is to totally
ignore them. It’s called active ignoring and it’s ignoring to the point where you have never met
him, can’t see him or hear him! That means no
eye contact and no talking from you also! He’s
not going to hurt his own face. Yes, he may slap
it hard but there will be a limit for that. He may make it red from the slap but once he sees that
no one is giving it any attention at all, the
behavior starts to decrease. When his technique
no longer works, he stops. You may feel that putting him in time out is negative and it will
work, but it still got him what he wanted and
that was attention! Part of the problem is that sometimes he gets time out and sometimes you ignore him. When parents are trying anything
that they can think of in the moment, the
behavior gets worse because your “correction”
isn’t consistent. So for tantrums, stick with the ignoring. When he is calm himself down, have
him pick up what he threw.
Remember no looking at him, no talking to
him when he’s having a tantrum. If you have
to walk away because you’re tempted to look
or talk, just walk into another room!
Once that behavior reduces and if he’s still
throwing, let me know and we’ll go to the
next step!