PARENT QUESTION: How about some advice on a 13 year old daughter who is constantly back talking?
ANSWER: Don’t overlook “smart mouthed” behavior as a part of growing up! Yes, they’re trying to push their independence, but it don’t mean that you have to accept it! Some of the behaviors that they form during tween and teen years set a lifelong way of behaving and if you don’t correct it, you’re sending the message that it’s OK.
Sometimes teens don’t know how they’re coming across so it’s a parent’s job to curb the behavior! We all know sarcastic adults! Her sarcasm now, if not stopped can be a real turn off to teachers and future employers! She may not be behaving like that to other adults now, but it the back talking continues, she eventually will feel that it’s OK to speak to all adults like that. Once she’s an adult, it may just become the way that she treats others.
Simply said, “If you don’t tolerate rude behavior, you won’t get it.” As simple as that sounds, it’s not impossible at all to achieve! You have to be on top of it and don’t let anything that you don’t want to hear slide! As much as this may sound overboard it’s really the best way to correct it! Should you correct every remark? That’s up to you! Think about it ahead of time and “decide what you’re willing to tolerate”. If you’re willing to let some deep breaths and some eye rolling slide, that’s up to you. But whatever you decide on, stick with and be consistent! That way there is no room for error with a child wondering what they can get away with! The second you hear something sarcastic or smart mouthed, correct it. Tell her that it’s not OK and to correct the language and apologize.
No matter how well behaved your child is in other respects, stopping the backtalk will be an ongoing issue. Kids are exposed to so much on TV (i.e. The Simpsons) where kids backtalk, everyone laughs and there are no consequences!
If this is more of a beginning of the backtalk for your daughter, correcting it and being on top of her will begin to make the changes you want. If this is something that has been going on for a long time then realize it will take more time to correct. You’ll want to be broader in the things you’ll tolerate in the beginning and as things begin to get better, you can narrow the focus and be on top of more. (Don’t spread it out for more than a week though). If you go too overboard in the beginning kids just tune their parents out.
Talk to her about consequences and rules. Establish some sort of “code” between you that lets her know when she’s starting to go a little overboard. You don’t want to embarrass her in front of her friends if possible. Tell her that! Let her know that you’re trying to help her with this but she needs to know when she’s crossed the line. Kids tend to do more of the smart mouth talk in front of friends to look cool. Let her know what will happen if she continues this!
Try not to be sarcastic back, no matter how frustrated you feel! You don’t want to stoop to her level and show her that it’s an acceptable way to talk to each other!
If all else fails, start using the heavy consequences. Let her know ahead of time that you’ve tried to help her change this behavior but she’s continuing to do it (if she is, of course!). Let her know what the consequences will be ahead of time and once you’ve said it MEAN IT! If you stick with what you say, you daughter will believe you. Taking away TV when they still have computers and video games, has little impact. Taking away all electronics at the same time (including her phone if she has one) makes a really big impact! She’ll learn that there are consequences between disrespectful behavior and losing privileges. Once the understanding has sunk it, you’ll have a child who will be much more pleasant for you and other people to be around!
ANSWER: Don’t overlook “smart mouthed” behavior as a part of growing up! Yes, they’re trying to push their independence, but it don’t mean that you have to accept it! Some of the behaviors that they form during tween and teen years set a lifelong way of behaving and if you don’t correct it, you’re sending the message that it’s OK.
Sometimes teens don’t know how they’re coming across so it’s a parent’s job to curb the behavior! We all know sarcastic adults! Her sarcasm now, if not stopped can be a real turn off to teachers and future employers! She may not be behaving like that to other adults now, but it the back talking continues, she eventually will feel that it’s OK to speak to all adults like that. Once she’s an adult, it may just become the way that she treats others.
Simply said, “If you don’t tolerate rude behavior, you won’t get it.” As simple as that sounds, it’s not impossible at all to achieve! You have to be on top of it and don’t let anything that you don’t want to hear slide! As much as this may sound overboard it’s really the best way to correct it! Should you correct every remark? That’s up to you! Think about it ahead of time and “decide what you’re willing to tolerate”. If you’re willing to let some deep breaths and some eye rolling slide, that’s up to you. But whatever you decide on, stick with and be consistent! That way there is no room for error with a child wondering what they can get away with! The second you hear something sarcastic or smart mouthed, correct it. Tell her that it’s not OK and to correct the language and apologize.
No matter how well behaved your child is in other respects, stopping the backtalk will be an ongoing issue. Kids are exposed to so much on TV (i.e. The Simpsons) where kids backtalk, everyone laughs and there are no consequences!
If this is more of a beginning of the backtalk for your daughter, correcting it and being on top of her will begin to make the changes you want. If this is something that has been going on for a long time then realize it will take more time to correct. You’ll want to be broader in the things you’ll tolerate in the beginning and as things begin to get better, you can narrow the focus and be on top of more. (Don’t spread it out for more than a week though). If you go too overboard in the beginning kids just tune their parents out.
Talk to her about consequences and rules. Establish some sort of “code” between you that lets her know when she’s starting to go a little overboard. You don’t want to embarrass her in front of her friends if possible. Tell her that! Let her know that you’re trying to help her with this but she needs to know when she’s crossed the line. Kids tend to do more of the smart mouth talk in front of friends to look cool. Let her know what will happen if she continues this!
Try not to be sarcastic back, no matter how frustrated you feel! You don’t want to stoop to her level and show her that it’s an acceptable way to talk to each other!
If all else fails, start using the heavy consequences. Let her know ahead of time that you’ve tried to help her change this behavior but she’s continuing to do it (if she is, of course!). Let her know what the consequences will be ahead of time and once you’ve said it MEAN IT! If you stick with what you say, you daughter will believe you. Taking away TV when they still have computers and video games, has little impact. Taking away all electronics at the same time (including her phone if she has one) makes a really big impact! She’ll learn that there are consequences between disrespectful behavior and losing privileges. Once the understanding has sunk it, you’ll have a child who will be much more pleasant for you and other people to be around!
